Grand Chandelier Reportedly ‘Hanging By A Thread’ After Another Season Without Dramatic Fall

NEW YORK – Sources at the Met Opera confirmed Wednesday that the venue’s massive crystal chandelier has become increasingly despondent after yet another season passed without the dramatic mid-performance crash it insists it was born for. 

Stagehands said the chandelier has been “moping in its rigging,” muttering about missed cues, wasted potential, and the emotional toll of “being expected to hang in there for another season.” 

“Every night I give them shimmer, I give them sparkle, but they never let me shine!” the chandelier said, noting that loosening a single bolt would be enough to “end this purgatory and let me achieve my final form.” 

Staff said the fixture now describes its current condition as “structurally and emotionally untenable.”